


Lost Fantasies

by orphan_account



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Abandoned Fic, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-16 05:38:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10564719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: When Lukas was little, he had many dreams. One day, he wanted to be a veterinarian because he saw a cute dog. The next day, he wanted to race horses. Another day he wanted to paint for a living, and another he wanted to build houses because his older brother got some cool blocks and they built a small house together. When Lukas was in middle school, he wanted to work with children, and after he made a couple friends in some magic club, he wanted to witchy-readings for people - which stayed with him for the rest of middle school.Now he’s in highschool, and well.. Maybe I shouldn’t even go on.[ i have left the hetalia fandom, this fic is abandoned ]





	1. This life I will now live

 

_ \- Who was it? - _

Lukas sat at his desk in his bedroom, his head rested over the comfortable pullover sleeves that covered his arms, and his arms folded over the homework his English teacher had given the class the day prior. As always, he was having difficulties with it, he didn’t know enough about himself to write a paper like this, a five paragraph essay about some struggle in his life. He considered pulling out his math homework again, but didn’t have it in himself to lift his head up and look through his bag for it, plus it’s not like he hadn’t already tried to solve it.  
A struggle in his life.  
Well he couldn’t write about his identity issues, the school might phone his parents - and last time he vaguely displayed any symptoms of mental illness, well.... It’s best not to think of it. He couldn’t write about cutting himself - or the causes to that, either. He really couldn’t write about his home life at all, not without the school getting social services getting involved. He considered bullshitting his way through the essay, but as he’s already failing the class he decided against it.  
How hard should it be?  
It’s just an essay about himself- but why couldn’t he just have a true or false? Wouldn’t that be nice, if life was just true or false, it wouldn’t stop Lukas from feeling like he wasn’t ever going to make the right choice, but at least he could wing it.

_“Aileen, dinner!”_ Lukas cringed at the name as his mother called from the floor above him.  Lukas stood up, closing his notebook and putting it in his bag, the assignment wasn’t due for a couple days anyways; he’ll find something to write about by then hopefully.

 

_  - Please, someone tell me. - _

 

Lukas poked at his food with his fork, he knew he needed to eat it and he wouldn’t be allowed to leave the table without doing so, but he also knew that his food aversions were preventing him from even forcing himself to eat anything except the potatoes and corn on his plate.  
“They’re at it again.” His father spoke. There was silence for a few seconds before his mother looked up to meet her husbands eyes. “Who?”  
“Fuckin’ faggots n’ trannies.” Lukas had to try his hardest not to cringe when his father used such slurs so casually, suddenly feeling the weight in his chest increase by a tenfold as he remembered how he wasn’t out at all.  
“What’re they doin’ now?” Lukas asked, avoiding his fathers gaze.   
He knew full well about the issue about bathroom and marriage rights, as well as needing better medical care for trans people, but that’s only because of paying attention himself, and if his father knew he actually took the time out of his day to educate himself about these things he may get suspicious, and god forbid - Lukas would be dead if he found out.  
“They want into the  _ wrong  _ bathrooms, probably to rape women.” Lukas expected that, he really did, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. He just nodded in response, not trusting himself to not start crying if he spoke. Thankfully Mathias and Emil knew better than to comment about it.  
“If I ever find out any of you are fags or half-fags I’ll kill strangle it outta ya.” Lukas nodded, willing himself to hide any trace of fear. “ _ Especially _ my  _ boys _ ,” His father gestured to Emil and Mathias, “If I find out ya are out goin’ into the wrong bathrooms n’ raping women I’ll strangle y’even before the court can pass judgement on you.” Lukas glanced at Mathias, who somehow looked unphased. The two were out to each other - Lukas as a gay-ace trans man and Mathias as genderfluid and pan. 

Lukas sat in silence while the rest of his family talked amongst themselves, mostly about school, apparently Emil had made the honour role, and Mathias was talking about how he’s like the teachers pet in math - which was entirely a lie, but Lukas occasionally nodded in agreement. Although he’d never been extremely talkative at dinner, his silence went unrewarded this time.

“Aileen’s been awfully quiet.” His father looked directly at Lukas as he spoke, and he could feel his entire stomach drop cold and his appetite disappear. “Anything you’d like to tell us, young lady?” Lukas gave a little shake of his head, quickly shoving a spoonful of potato into his mouth. His father stood up and Lukas could feel that he was about to get some sort of interrogation treatment until he said something. He couldn’t tell his father he was failing any classes, but if he said anything positive his father wouldn’t believe him - as he would’ve shared it easily if he did. His father walked around the table, and he watched Mathias train his eyes on his plate. Lukas knew without thinking that Mathias felt just as scared and panicked as he did. “Hasn’t spoken since we mentioned how horrible  _ trannies _ are.” His father went on, placing a hand on Lukas’ head. Lukas knew he had to think of something.  _ Anything _ . The hand moved from his head to his shoulder, soon the other hand joined Lukas’ other shoulder, and Lukas braced himself for what he knew was coming.

He thought he was in the closet. He thought he could hide it behind calling himself a tomboy. 

“I got a call from yer school today,” His father released his shoulders, turning his chair around. “Some kid named ‘Lukas’ is failing English and Math.” Lukas wasn’t sure he could move if he wanted to, if he needed to, and his voice was far from usable. “Of course it was the wrong number though, wasn’t it?” Lukas couldn’t move, all he could do was just stare at the man who was supposed to be his father. Seconds passed, seconds almost turning into an entire minute of silence before his father abruptly lifted him from his chair by his throat. Lukas’ arms flung up to his fathers hands, trying to pry them away from his neck. “Answer me, girl.” His father seemed so calm, as if he wasn’t suffocating his child.  
Lukas tried to kick at the man holding him up, but nothing seemed to work and all the kicking wasn’t helping with that fact that with every second that passed, his lungs grew more and more sore without his air supply. This went on for about two to three minutes before he managed to kick him in the dick, to which he was immediately dropped to the ground, landing on his knees. Lukas didn’t bother trying to move away, there was nowhere to go - his legs wouldn’t get him far after the sudden impact on the hard, tiled floor, tears blurred most of his vision, and he was still just barely catching his breath.

A few moments passed as his father regained himself after being kicked in probably the most sensitive place. Lukas just stared at the floor, completely unbraced and seemingly accepting what was to come. 

 

_ \- Who could it be? - _

 

Mathias had carried Lukas to his bedroom at some point during the night, thankfully. Lukas probably wouldn’t have been able to walk well after what had happened - who knows, it was mostly a blur as he laid in bed, thinking about how Mathias told him that he got out lucky with only a “I will not have a fag tranny as a daughter”, a black eye and a number of large bruises on his arms and legs. Sleep didn’t come easy that night, especially after the thought that he’d have to hide any trace of injuries from his friends and he really didn’t like makeup. Allergies. The thought plagued his mind, along with thoughts about how much he just wanted to disappear, or even die. Either would be amazing.  
When sleep finally did come to Lukas, it was all a repeat of the night before - but with an uncountable amount of different scenarios. Ones where Mathias stood up for him, ones where Lukas killed his father, ones where he was watching from Emil’s seat as Emil was in his shoes, ones where his mother had changed the subject before it ever happened, ones where he just grew wings and flew away, ones where his father just had a heart attack and died on the spot, even one where his father was actually accepting of him actually being a gay boy. Many of the dreams he had, not all, were better than what had happened, unfortunately they were all beyond unrealistic. 

 

_ \- Please just tell me. - _

 

A sigh escaped Lukas as he walked next to Mathias into the school, walking close enough to them that their shoulders could almost brush. Despite the fact that Mathias and Lukas were nearly the same height, and with the large pullover hoodie that Lukas wore almost daily, on first glance they appear to be the same body shape, people in school tended to steer clear of any kind of transphobia or homophobia towards Lukas - knowing full well how Mathias was on nearly all the sports teams and how Lukas and Mathias were adopted siblings - very close and ready to kill for each other. At least they came off like that at school.  
The pair only parted when Lukas joined Vlad and Arthur on their way towards their little witchcraft club room  - which was hardly a club room, just an empty classroom they got permission to spend their first block spare in... On the second floor.

_ Shit. Fuck. Hell. _

Lukas’ eyes trained on the stairs as the trio approached them, he was trying to hide a limp as it was, and he knew that he couldn’t make it up the stairs. He unintentionally zoned out on whatever Vladimir and Arthur were chattering about as he tried to think of a solution to this. He knew there was an elevator - but that was halfway across the school and he’d never seen it used before. Was it even allowed to be used? When they got to the stairs, he didn’t hesitate to at least try to walk up the stairs, he didn’t want his friends to worry, but after Lukas - by some miracle - made it up the first five or six steps Vladimir stopped completely.  
“Vladimir?” Arthur looked down at him after he made it up a step ahead of Vladimir and Lukas, and internally Lukas was just relieved to have some time to pause before taking another step.  
“What’s wrong with Lu?”  
“Nothing.” Lukas responded quickly, about to take another step up the stairs before he was interrupted by Vladimir as he wrapped his arms around Lukas’s waist, lifting him up.   
“I don’t buy it.”  
“Put me down-” Lukas was panicking, while they were only a few steps up it was still a long fall and, knowing Vladimir, he was fully in the right to believe they would fall, especially with the fact that Lukas is a little taller than Vladimir. Any protests were completely ignored, and Lukas for sure didn’t have the guts to try to fight his way down, not on the stairs.

Vladimir only set him down once they were in the classroom and Arthur had shut and locked the door. “Alright, not in public anymore.” Arthur stated, approaching Vladimir and Lukas. 

“What the actual  _ hell  _ happened to your eye?” Arthur continued.

  
Oh this is just  _ great _ .


	2. This is just what defines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter looks shorter than the first chapter but its like?? 200-300 words longer than the first one lol

_ \- Captivated in this... - _

Well, what was he supposed to do? He most certainly couldn’t tell Arthur about last night - oh, no no no. Absolutely not. He couldn’t even remember most of that night, let alone tell someone about it? He’d get the details all wrong, and surely he’d far over exaggerate...  Besides, Arthur and Vladimir didn’t need to know about his home life.  It took a few minutes of silence before Arthur spoke again,  “..Well?” The Brit asked, making an impatient gesture with his hand. Lukas felt.. Odd, perhaps a little offended? It was hard to put a finger on how he felt about Arthur pressing about this, did Arthur really think that Lukas was just gonna cave and talk about it that easily? Of course he did. Arthur was always someone to think of himself first.  
Lukas didn’t want to think about it anymore, thinking up an excuse for it was difficult - he just wanted Matthias to come back and pull him from the room. Lukas considered the notion that he could feign a need to just avoid everyone and isolate himself, but the thought was gone as quickly as it came. It was easy to tell that Arthur wasn’t just gonna let Lukas off the hook with a ‘I wanna be alone’, and Lukas knew just as well as Arthur and Vladimir that if he left now that he’d probably just avoid the pair for weeks, perhaps even months.  
“I don’t wanna talk ab’t it.” Lukas finally muttered, making himself a little more comfortable on the desk as Vladimir sat next to him.   
“Nuh uh, you can hardly walk!” Vladimir mentioned, slinging an arm around Lukas’s shoulder. “And if you think I’ll be carrying you from class to class--!” He went on, Lukas found it painfully obvious how hard Vladimir was trying to lighten the mood, and he was pretty successful at doing just that. “Vlad’s right, you’re terrible at hiding a limp.” Arthur poked at Lukas’s knee.  
“Did you get into a fight?” Vladimir asked, faking an exaggerated gasp - and before Lukas could stop himself, he couldn’t help but reply back with a scoff and a “I wasn’t able to do much fighting.”

 

_ \- ‘Cause this… is this? Why this? - _

 

Eventually, Arthur managed to get Lukas to tell him all the details that he could remember. Not without that comforting arm of Vladimir’s, though. The three talked all the way up until the bell (or at least, Lukas did most of the talking while Arthur tossed him question after question), and Vladimir had taken back what he’d said about carrying Lukas from class to class. Thankfully, the two shared the first class together, so Vladimir wouldn’t be late - but he still insisted on sticking with Lukas throughout the day.  
First block was a drag, and Lukas found it hard not to fall asleep, let alone focus on what he’s supposed to be working on. With Vladimir by his side, he didn’t have much trouble with socials, his little Romanian friend took an astonishing amount of notes and could write at an expeditious pace that Lukas could never even dream of matching, no wonder he’s passing his classes so easily. The only reason Lukas was even passing socials was because Vladimir offered to share his notes. When the bell rang, Lukas had to bite his tongue as to not make any sound when a sharp pain stung his tailbone.  
Again, thankfully Vladimir kept to his word about escorting Lukas from class to class.

 

_ \- I am… in this… - _

 

During lunch hour, Matthias joined Lukas and his magic pals. The four of them sat in silence, Matthias keeping close to Lukas and giving anyone who dared to so much glance at Lukas’ eye a harsh glare. It wasn’t until they’d been sitting there for at least ten minutes before Matthias’ gentle tone towards Lukas broke the silence, “How’re ya doin’?” He asked, clearly in reference to his still-sore knees and eye.  
“Just fine.” Lukas didn’t even bother looking up from his phone for a second when he responded to Matthias. “Vladimir’s been helpin’ me around all day.” Matthias gave a short nod of approval to vampire-aesthetic boy, who looked up at the mention of his name. “Mhm! And I’ve been thinking. Why bring Lukas home?” Lukas tensed up, looking over at him.  
“H-Hush! Yer not supposed to know th-”   
“You told them?”  
“No, of course n-”  
“He did.” Vladimir leaned back, his back lining up almost perfectly straight against the wall. “Arthur wouldn’t let him leave the club room until he told.” He changed his position again, instead gently leaning on Lukas and seemingly doing his best not to put any real bodyweight on him, “He was  _ so _ persistent, n’ the only reason he didn’t cry was because  _ I _ was there to hold him~” Lukas could tell he was just joking around, but the look on Arthur’s face easily gave away the fact that Arthur didn’t even consider the idea it could’ve been a joke.  
“I was  _ not  _ that persistent!”  
“Oh, but you even locked the door.” Vladimir reached his arm around Lukas’ shoulder once again, as if to mimic the situation from the morning. “Oh Lukas, it’s okay, we’re worried for you, nothing bad will happen if you tell us, et cetera.” God, he was just an amazing actor. Lukas couldn’t help but chuckle a little at his friend's behaviour. “Knock it off, y’two.”  
“Hmph. As I was saying,” Vladimir went on, his mock-acting style of speaking dropping. “Lukas should stay with me for now,  _ my _ parents are pretty indifferent with me being.. Whatever.” Lukas was a little flustered, he couldn’t accept something like this. Even if he felt like he could, he knew his parents would never agree with it.  
Regardless, Matthias looked interested in the plan. “Y’know I can’t-” Lukas stated as he turned his head to face his housemate. Matthias was quiet for a few seconds, Vladimir - as if he’d completely ignored Lukas’s minor protest - looked at Matthias intently, obviously giving him the final say in it. Lukas didn’t mind this, of course, but Matthias was known to not be that great with decisions.   
“Well, home isn’t really safe for Lukas right now. I’ll think of an excuse.” Matthias shrugged, standing up. “Lu, take the bus home with Vlad after school. Tomorrow I’ll bring ya a change of clothes and some other stuff.” 

 

_ \- For you… in this… - _

 

After lunch ended, the day felt a lot less foreboding. It still felt foreboding, just not as immensely as it had previously. With that said, the next two blocks were gone before he knew it and he was at his locker trying to ignore the sharp pain in his knees as he pulled his bag from the small excuse for a locker. Just as he was about to close his locker, he felt two thin arms firmly wrap themselves around his torso from behind, one releasing itself to pull two bus passes out of what could’ve been guessed to be thin air. Had Lukas not been used to Vladimir’s touchy-feely nature, he would’ve shoved him off.  
“Surprise! Need any help?”  
“Nah.” Lukas lied, placing the strap to his messenger style bag around his shoulder as Vladimir let go of him. Vladimir moved to close and lock his locker for him   
“Are you sure I’m allowed to stay with you?” Lukas asked as they began walking out of the school and towards the bus. He worried that Vladimir’s parents wouldn’t allow him to stay on such short notice. Did Vladimir even ask them if it was okay for him to stay? Knowing him, he probably didn’t. His friend didn’t respond until they reached the bus stop, which had to have been at least a few minutes of walking in silence.  
“Don’t you worry your pretty lil head off about it, okay?” Vladimir pinched Lukas’ cheek, giving an undeniably forced smile “It’ll work out just fine.”   
Vladimir lead Lukas to a couple empty seats at the back of the bus, helping Lukas sit down before seating himself. In his friends continued silence, Lukas began to think about how Vladimir hardly ever talked about his family life. What were his parents even like? Vladimir never complained about them, he never spoke of being grounded, really, the only family member that Lukas had heard about before today was his cute little brother, Aurel. Lukas had unconsciously started to lean on Vladimir as he thought about it, and about how long this bus ride was.  
Pulling out his phone, he realized they hadn’t even been on the bus for more than five minutes, god it felt like so much longer.  
Lukas finally decided to break the silence between the two after pocketing his phone once again, “What’re yer parents like?” He asked, sitting up properly and pretending as if he’d never touched his friend. “They’re okay, I guess.” Vladimir’s voice had lost it’s usually prominent cheerful tone, and Lukas took the hint that maybe he didn’t want to talk about it.

 

_-_ …  _ Situation of mine. - _

 

When they reached their stop, Vladimir rose and offered a hand to help Lukas up, to which Lukas gladly took. Lukas didn’t bother letting go of Vladimir’s hand as they got off the bus. He felt as if Vladimir was getting uncomfortable around him, but he couldn’t figure out why, or how to fix it. Surely Vladimir wasn’t upset that Lukas had asked about his parents, right? He’d talked about them so positively at lunch. While Vladimir lead him by the hand down the sidewalk and towards his house, Lukas took no notice of their surroundings or made any attempt to memorize it for if he maybe had to leave if his parents didn’t agree to this, he’d never even seen Vladimir’s house, so maybe he should’ve been doing that.  
Instead of paying any attention to that stuff, he thought about his own parents and about Matthias. He wondered what Matthias’ excuse was for Lukas not coming home, and if Matthias would be caught sneaking clothes and whatever else he thought to bring for Lukas to him. If he’d be okay if he was caught. He was so lost in thought that Vladimir had to snap his fingers in front of his face to get his attention when they finally arrived at his house. “We’re here!” He chirped. Fortunately, sometime during Lukas’ thinking Vladimir’s regular neverending comfortableness and cheerful tone had returned.

Vladimir instructed Lukas to wait outside as Vladimir went inside. Lukas was tempted to try and listen through the door for any conversation, but he was worried he’d be caught eavesdropping, besides, it’d probably be in Romanian or something, and Lukas knew it’d mean nothing to him. He trusted that Vladimir could handle the situation. About five or so minutes passed before the door opened for him, with a smiling Romanian to greet him. “Come in, my guest.” His pal gave an overemphasized bow as Lukas stepped inside, smiling at his friend.  
In contrast to the front yard which felt a little gloomy and dark with the three or four trees that had branches and leaves that darkened the entire front, and the black picket fence and slightly worn down look on literally.. Everything out there, the inside of Vladimir’s home felt cozy. Everything was clean and neatly arranged in contrast to the outside, yet it somehow still matched the front. The carpet was a dark red, and a black leather couch sat against the wall beside the door. Lukas didn’t know how long he’d be staying here, but he hoped it would last. He’d hardly been here for a few minutes and he already knew he could make himself at home here. “Like what you see?” Vladimir laughed, grabbing his wrist. “Follow me, I’ll show you where you’ll be staying.”   
Vladimir lead him to the basement, it kept the same aesthetic as the upstairs, but was overall a little chillier. “We don’t have a guest room, so I brought a spare mattress down here. You can have my bed.” His friend let go of his wrist, and Lukas followed him around a corner like a lost puppy as he showed him to the room they’d be staying in. “Here, hand me your bag.” Lukas didn’t hesitate before slipping the strap off his shoulder and handing it to Vladimir, who further put it up on a hook.  
“You have free range of the house, just stay out of any other bedrooms and don’t touch stuff that you wouldn’t want other people touching if they belonged to you. We won’t touch your stuff, either. Deal?”  
Lukas nodded, “Sounds good t’me.”

 

_ \- I can't get out, no, I... - _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ofc expect the - text - to make sense when the entire fic is done, trying to figure it out chapter-by-chapter is gonna be kinda useless


End file.
